A Modest Proposal

Alright new york drivers, we all are aware of how horrible it is having to drive in the city everyday. It’s nothing but slow. We all complain about how parking is an issue, but if you think about it, driving on the very slow roads is even worse. NYC is very much known for having a lot of traffic. It’s the city that everyones wants to be in, but it becomes an issue when literally everyone is here and owns a car. NBC did a study on traffic, but not only is NYC the most congested city in the US, but also part of the top 5 congested cities. The average driver loses about 29-36 hours stuck in traffic a year. 


This can lead to many different issues for those who drive. It risks the ability for people to come in to work on time, risking them getting fired for it. It also can make many students come in late to school, even if they take the bus instead of a car. They then miss information from the lessons that are being taught. Think about taxi drivers, their jobs are top literally 


However, nobody is at fault for this issue. When you drive, it’s because you have somewhere to be. We can’t just start blaming people for going out to complete the things they need to do for the day, but we can’t just simply say to just simply stay home, or to take the train. So what can we do?


There is one solution, and one solution only, we remove the sidewalks! In order to eliminate traffic, we can remove the sidewalks so that all the roads are wider. Wider roads mean more lanes so that cars can drive through, making the roads go faster than ever. This means that pedestrians don’t have anywhere to walk, so underground tunnels will be built so that they can walk to their destinations. There will be one underground layer below all the city pipes that will contain an empty space under the city. Everyone that wants to travel by walking will have to dig a whole from their homes so that they can reach the tunnels. The underground tunnels seem like a great idea since the pedestrians also don’t have to worry about any cars passing by. They can walk freely underground. Public places like restaurants and schools will have their own passageway leading to the tunnel that no one has to build.  People only need to build the passageways to their tunnels from their own homes. 


For the people that dont want to be walking underground, but also don’t want to be in a  car/bus/train can simply just stay home all the time. Them wanting to walk outside and leave the sidewalks where they are is causing no good. They are jeopardizing the community from reaching their destinations on time because of traffic issues. We can’t let this happen just to give those people the pleasure of walking outside where all the vehicles are. 


Now that we covered why the sidewalks should be removed, let’s cover how we will make it happen. For two weeks straight, everyone including managers will be excused from their jobs. Things like groceries, medicine, personal care needs, and money will be given to every household to survive during that time. In that time, everyone will be required to destroy the sidewalks on their blocks with an ax, which will be provided. They will spend a week and a half doing that, and then the remaining few days will be spent painting the extra space as the same color of roads. The only people excused from doing this are police officers. They will remain on their jobs arresting those that refuse to participate in this. They will also be arresting any members of a community that have failed to remove the sidewalks and paint the roads after the two weeks. It is a hard deadline, but it is needed in order for this to be a quick process. 


Now as people are doing the above ground work, we do need people to do the job of creating the big underground tunnel. This will be simple though. We will make the elderly over the age of 65 build this. It makes the most sense because it’s like their building their own grave. Even though they aren’t, it can help them get a sense of what’s soon coming for them. Those that fail to do this will not only get arrested, but will get the death sentence. Their lives are ending soon, so why not just kill them now.


With this idea, traffic will no longer continue being a big issue, cars stay in one place, and the rest of the people walking can be in their own underground world, only seeing the outside if they will be driving in a car. 


Sounds a bit extreme right, well that definitely is the case. Maybe a little too extreme to make this plan actually happen. Separating the pedestrians from the cars might not be the best idea, or the happiest. This would basically be separating NYC. Also, that means barely any fresh air or sun for the pedestrians. However, traffic is still a remaining issue that can’t just be left alone. There are other possibilities like changing the timer on the traffic lights so that cars can drive for a longer period of time, or having more crossing guard jobs so that the road can go more smoothly. No matter how much removing the sidewalks can help with traffic, it’s a little too inhumane to actually happen.