A somber happiness

The beauty of loneliness and melancholy.

Tokiyo Machida

During a period of time in middle school, I used to be all extroverted and I loved making friends. I thought that every single detail in life would become better if a friend was with you. I would see people hanging out by themselves and think “That person must feel lonely, I hope they find a friend soon.” I had this idea that everything I do or everywhere I go should be with a friend. Whenever my friends would make plans, I would try to squish in to those plans by pushing all my other plans, such as doing homework. I think it is because my friends, who I noticed were not very good people, always criticized people that read in the corner of the room alone, calling them loners and that they don’t have friends. Even though I never thought of introverted people as loners, I thought that being alone was a bit sad. I did truly like constantly making plans, probably because I was under a less stressful environment and I was too naive to understand that not everything has to include a friend, such as shopping or just relaxing in general.

 

However, in ninth grade, I noticed subtle changes. On some days, I preferred to be alone rather than to go to places with a friend. I wanted to stay home, pour a cup of tea and read rather than to go out with friends to some loud place. The thought of going out to the mall and just talk all day seemed way too stressful at times. I thought this was a bad change, because I felt like an outsider and like I was drifting away from all the fun in my eighth grade world. However, now I know that wanting a break from the sometimes tumultuous nature of being around lots of people is a good thing. Just going to the same spot and doing the same thing (read, just lost in thought, and sometimes humming songs) might look stagnant to extroverted people, however, I think that it is healthy for me to distance myself from my social life at times. I think that the things a person likes to do in their free time (other than going on social media or video games) is mysterious to others, which gives the person’s character an essence of originality. If an extroverted person were to look at my photos, it would feel like looking at life from another person’s eyes. If an ambivert or introvert were to look at my photos, I think they would relate to the connotation in my photos, because I am an ambivert myself. In these photos, I tried to capture the things I do when I am blithely enjoying my time alone. 

 

In this photo, a book is left on an empty bench. The sky is grey and you can see that it is windy and chilly. I took this photo because that day was my favorite weather: dry, cool air and a grey sky. I deliberately excluded myself from the photo because I like to be alone at times, and being lonely makes me feel invisible, but in a good way. Especially on days where they sky is grey and the air is cool.

 

This is me sitting on a bench, letting introspection take over me. I probably look like this all the time when I’m alone, just thinking, and staring into space. I am usually a glass half empty type of person, so I tried to express that part of me more. This is a depiction of me letting negative things like what people say about me or things that aren’t going right in my life take over my emotions.

 

This is a picture of an abandoned building in Roosevelt Island. I love how abandoned buildings are soulless, yet have traces that show the lives of people that preceded the old, broken remnants. This building gave off melancholy, and I really enjoy looking at things that evoke melancholy. I really wish I was allowed to go in, but there were fences around it. So, I just sat in front of the building, admiring it for god knows how long. 

 

I took this photo to emphasize the light and carefree feeling I get when I am alone. When people think of people who like to be alone, they usually think of those people as “loners”. However, people who spend time alone aren’t loners, they just want an escape from the chaos at times. School and work can drain your energy, so I think that sitting alone with a book and a coffee is really soothing.