A short play by Oscar Fabricant

[New York City. A blindingly pink bedroom, covered in posters of various singers and mirrors and makeup. A blonde girl rises out of the bed in the corner]

Alice: Behold! I hath arisen from mine bedchamber. Now, I shall partake of my breakfast and venture forth into this urban settlement to recieve of today’s lessons. But first I must text my friend. 

[Alice begins tapping on her phone.]

Alice (Reading aloud): Good morrow, friend Stacy! I must ask, hast thou not observed the great beauty that is Joshua Mendoza? I eagerly await the sight of him with this coming school day!

Ah! She hath responded.

Alice (reading Stacy’s text): Ah yes, I hast heard, due to thine ever-present mention. Were they not attached to my head, I am quite certain that mine ears would presently have run off, so as to spare themselves this persistent babbling!

Alice: Ah yes, I am afraid it must be so, for I simply cannot remove my thoughts from their pursuit of him. Why, just the other day, he doth requested that I might share in the conclusion I had arrived at for problem number three! Is that not romantic?

Alice: Oh Stacy, you do love confusing me so. Why is it that you hath only responded to my latest messaging with the emoticon depicting the rotating of the eyes?

[Alice turns off her phone and puts it in her pocket, then looks up at the clock]

Alice: Alas! I hath taken too long in my exchange, and now am unable to partake of my breakfast. I must dash so as to obtain transportation via the public bus!

[Alice runs out the door. The hallway is lined with family pictures. A dog jumps at Alice’s feet.]

Alice: Alas, Sir Fluffy, I have not a moment to spare for your entertainments. Good fortune to you on this beauteous morn!

[Alice grabs a school bag, rushing out the door. She catches an extremely crowded bus.]

Alice: I shall be arriving at school presently, if I am not crushed before then!

[She gets off the bus, running into a school building. She quickly arrives at a classroom. The other students are sitting down, flipping through textbooks. The teacher glares at Alice]

Mrs. Crawley: Lady Anderson, thine hast arrived later than is required of thou. Thoust’s punishment shall be the removal of out to lunch privileges. Now partake of thine seating. Thou must presently flip to page 45. 

Alice: Lady Crawley, permit me to humble protestation- 

Mrs. Crawley: Thou shalt partake of thine seating PRESENTLY, Lady Anderson, lest thou wishes to be receiving of detention.

[Alice sits down, grumbling]

Alice (Muttering): Thy vile canker-blossomed countenance curdles milk and sours beer, lady CRABBY…

 [Later, Alice and Stacy are walking downstairs to their next class.]

Alice: Is thou of the ability to believe it, friend Stacy? Mine arrival time was hardly a minute post the designated time! The profound injustice which thee chooses to bequeath of me-

Stacy: Pardon the interruption, friend Alice, but mine email has enlightened me towards a schedule change. It is appearing we have gym next. 

Alice: Alas! Can mine day be descending any further towards the fires of hell? 

[Alice grouchily stomps towards the gym. When she opens the door, the coach has laid down mats to form a kickball diamond]

Coach Meyers: Good morrow, students. Thine activity of choice shalt be kickball. Selected captains may presently choose thoust’s teams. 

Alice: Woe betide any who asks…

[Captains select their teams. Alice is dead last to be chosen. One captain sighs and selects her.]

Coach Meyers: Stacy shalt join me in the judging of the plays through fulfillment of the umpire position. Should thout manage to kick the ball to height exceeding that of the poster over yonder, thou shalt immediately be bequeathed unto a home run. Let us begin!

[Alice’s team is first up to bat. They are doing very badly, and switch sides before Alice is ever up. The game goes on, until they are two points behind with the bases loaded. Alice is up to bat.]

Stacy: Thoust’s team is possessing of two outs in the last of the ninth!

[The pitcher rolls the ball towards Alice. She kicks, missing by a mile. The team captain rolls her eyes.]

Stacy: Strike the first!

[The pitcher rolls again. Again, Alice misses.]

Stacy: Strike the second!

[The pitcher rolls the ball. Alice shuts her eyes and kicks wildly. The ball goes flying, over the poster in the back. Everyone is silent for a moment]

Coach Meyers: Impossible…

Team Captain: We hath… won!

[Alice’s team rushes towards her, foisting her up on their shoulders]

Team: We hath won! We hath won!

???: WITCHCRAFT!

[Alice is uncertainty let down. The crowd watching her parts. A black-haired girl storms forwards, brandishing her finger and pointing it at Alice]

Stacy: Ugh. It be Samantha.

Samantha: Ye could not have propelled the ball with such force without aid of the dark arts! [She turns, waving at the watching crowd] All ye know of Alice and her inclinations! She hast never been athletically proficient! If such were true, would not a woman as black of heart as she resort to WITCHCRAFT to spare herself the humiliation of loss?!

[Crowd begins murmuring, beginning to take her side]

Crowd Member #1: ‘Tis true one might resort to such…

Crowd Member #2: If she were to commit of this atrocity, we must nip the demonic force in the bud…

Alice: Wait! Thine good folk of Eastville High can surely not believe this witch’s lies? If anything, it is she who hast resorted to witchcraft to force thee to take her side!

Samantha: Ah, the witch fights for herself! She attempts to weave another black spell over you all. Do not listen to her! 

[Stacy steps forwards]

Stacy: I can vouch for her innocence. She hath done nothing wrong. But even if such were the case, we are obliged to try her in court of law. 

#1: She is correct, of course…

#2: It would be a stain on the puritan faith of Eastville to hang without trial…

#3: Then behold! We shall take her to stand before the Governor, the head judge, Principal Oshwald! She shall determine the witch’s fate!

[The class begins to file out, forming a circle around Alice and marching her to the Principal’s office. Samantha ties Alice’s hands behind her back.]

Samantha: To prevent the use of the dark arts to escape.

Alice: Oh, woe! And in front of Joshua…

[The students file into the principal’s office, taking seats in plastic office chairs arranged around a central chair, which Alice sits on. Principal Oshwald sits behind her desk, eyeing Alice.]

PO: And pray tell, why hast this defendant been brought before the court?

Samantha: Lady Oshwald, this woman hast been caught in the use of the dark arts to score a home run in the game of kickball we had previously repaired to. 

 #1: Indeed, I saw her do it!

#2: ‘Twas a terrible sight! The witch is surely the most vile of sinners!

Stacy: Hold…

PO: I see. Than I need hear no more. The Witch’s sentence shall be DEATH-

[All gasp]

PO: BY DETENTION!

Alice: NO!

[Throws herself at the principal’s feet]

Alice: Lady Oshwald, have mercy! I hast done nothing of offense! I swear it!

PO: Take her away!

Alice: NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOO-

[Alice is dragged away, kicking and screaming]

[End of Play]